Sometimes I just hate technology and the modern age. I hate the fact that social media and Netflix are a thing now. I hate that my brain is becoming a slave of screens and I can’t control it. I enjoy reading books more than everything but why is there still a constant temptation to close the book and turn on a device? The overflow of information online is just insane. It’s hard to really understand anything when all the things in the world are flashing before your eyes as a constant flow of words and headlines. Only very few things are actually registered during this endless scrolling, it’s hard to maintain attention in one article long enough to properly comprehend it before moving to the next one and then the next one.
Quite literally everything and everyone is online now. We are connected more than ever through the great world wide web, but at the same time disconnected more than ever. It’s so weird that I can be sitting in my room by myself but still connect with as many people as I like, but when I come offline, I’m just sitting in my room alone. This illusion of collectivity is so fascinating and it’s quite ironic that right now I’m alone in my room writing this and connecting with whoever is going to read this later. I’ll never get over how wonderful this universe is in it’s whole glory.
It’s exhausting though, keeping up with the world but it’s kind of essential to know what’s going on. I fantasise about living in an era of beautiful ball dresses and no modern technology, but then I realise that I would probably be dying of some incurable illness or fainting from the tightness of my corset every five minutes, so I guess I have to accept the world as it is now and use my mindfulness skills to let go of unnecessary information fishing and focus on what really matters, and open more books.
The older I get, the faster time seems to fly by. I mean what even is time? According to one of Merriam-Webster’s definitions it’s “a nonspatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future”. Well, this year has felt exactly like events just succeeding one another up until this point. In the beginning of the year my time was consumed by studying and preparing for the final exams. After the finals, my focus went to entrance exams and after them it shifted to work. At work time was clearly divided into three parts: the start of the day, lunch break and the end of the day. Then I received the information that I’d graduated from IB, next day my former boyfriend announced that he indeed would become my former boyfriend. Then it was my 19th birthday, then work continued and ended, leading to this present day. Becoming an adult is so freaking cool until the reality breaks in. Suddenly you have a million things to do in a day, especially if you live alone and the time that previously was dedicated to something fun, is now used to organising your marvellous life.
I’m haunted by the fact that I’m about to officially enter to a time period where I don’t have a permanent studying place or a job. My future seems to be extremely uncertain which doesn’t really get along with my anxiety. My only plan is to do online courses in open university and take whatever substitute teaching jobs I can and see what else will cross my path during this year of doom. I honestly feel like a failure even though I’m definitely not the only person in the whole world who didn’t get straight to university form high school. Ugh my life is so tragic.
On the bright side, I now posses all of the TIME in the world to figure out what to do with my glorious life.
After two wonderful summer jobs I’m finally on a holiday which I’ve been looking forward to quite a while. Going straight to work after my final exams maybe wasn’t the greatest of choices considering how high my stress levels were back then but I’m glad I started early because that only meant a much needed boost for my savings. I’m so thankful that I got to spend my summer in two such awesome jobs, I had a blast and I truly hope to find a job in the future that is as enjoyable as my experiences this summer.
The only thing that I rather dislike about holidays is that I don’t really know how to actually enjoy doing nothing. A voice in the back of my head keeps insisting that I really should be doing something more meaningful with my life than watching The Vampire Diaries on Netflix. My brain doesn’t seem to be able to register the fact that sometimes it’s okay to just have a break from everything and literally do nothing. It’s hard for me to stay positive when I do nothing because I feel like I’m wasting time and that makes me depressed. But at the same time I know that I need some kind of recess in order to gain both mental and physical strength. Well, the human mind can be ever so confusing and I’m intrigued to find even more about it through my endless disharmony with it.
Maybe I should take a trip to Italy to explore the concept of La Dolce Far Niente properly… Or take a real Eat Pray Love- journey to spice up my gap year.
I’m addicted to social media. My first thought in the morning has something to do with checking Instagram. When I’m bored I open my phone. When I’m waiting something I start scrolling. When I’m eating I reach for social media. I notice myself opening the phone way too much during the day and I hate it. I don’t even do anything significant I just scroll, scroll, scroll without really giving a thought to what I see. I find it so upsetting that my life has arrived to the point that I’m addicted to unconsciously staring at my screen.
The first thing I did in order to fight against social media was to stop checking my phone the first thing in the morning. This has made my mornings more productive for sure but doesn’t really affect the amount of time I spend on the virtual world during the day. The second thing I did to riot against this addiction was deleting Snapchat. I didn’t use it much anyway but still found myself often reading all kind of trash about celebrities on the news section so it was a great decision to disconnect myself from those unnecessary articles that don’t do anything positive to my mind. I also deleted YouTube and Netflix apps from my phone as it requires more effort to open my laptop than my phone so I’ll only watch something when I really really want to and not just because I’m a little bit bored because we all know how it goes when you trick yourself into thinking of watching only one video/episode.
Yesterday I also decided to start what I now call Social Media-Free Sunday. My intention was to reach less for my phone and do more things that would connect me with the real world. I noticed that my mind often wandered to social media and to who might have posted something during this time and so on. But after a while I just kind of forgot it and focused on other things such as mindfulness colouring that I was absolutely obsessed a while ago and then got too busy, but I’m glad I found it again. I also noticed a change in the course of time as the amount of hours appeared to increase in my day when I didn’t constantly check my phone which was great as I also seemed to be much more productive and energised in general. I clearly use social media as a tool of procrastination which is a habit I want to get completely rid of. I wish to someday get into a state of mind where I truly register how much better it feels to cross out tasks from the do-to list than move them to the next day.
Finishing a chapter in life is bittersweet, it’s extremely difficult to end but at the same time it’s exciting to start a new one. It’s especially hard when it comes to relationships because those are chapters that are connected to strong emotions and ending them is rarely pleasant. I just recently had to close almost a three years long chapter in my life and it hurts a lot. It makes it harder that I wasn’t ready to end the chapter but at the same time I knew that this needed to happen. I don’t consider this chapter as finished yet as living through the chapters is a process that cannot just end right there and then.
I’m still going through different emotions and trying to make peace with myself in order to continue to the next chapter in a good place, with my mind as clear as possible. I definitely don’t want to rush it as I cannot just throw three years into a bin and pretend that they never existed. I want to cherish the good memories as I have no reason not to. I need to take some time to be sad though as this has affected me a great deal mentally, I did not only lose love but also my best friend. I think it does good to be sad a while when a chapter is closing as long as you can eventually pull yourself out of the sadness. I have no need to be angry but I feel that I have to give my mind some time to reset and then mark this chapter as concluded.
Finishing a chapter doesn’t have to be the end of everything. There is always a new beginning that can lead to something wonderful. You just need to make the beginning a good one by first dealing with the emotions of the ending.
I just recently found out that I didn’t get into a university. I’m disappointed in myself but I know that it’s okay not to get in the first time you apply. The hardest part is letting go of all the plans and dreams that I had for my life if I got in. I basically had imagined all the things that I would do and how I would study and how I could make new friends. It’s all gone now and I have to figure out a new plan for the year ahead.
In some way I kind of knew that I wouldn’t get in. I mean I only had two weeks to study for the entrance exams, I didn’t study enough and on top of that I was working at the same time so my chances of getting in were actually pretty low. I still kept believing that I would get in and formed my future life around that fact which, was not a great move to make. I’m just the type of person who wants to live in the dream rather than in the reality because let’s face it, we believe that the dreams are always better than the reality.
Now that I’ve had time to think, I notice how foolish it was to form my future around the fact that I would get in. Yes, it is okay to hope to to have something but not to form a life around the thought of it. This certainly brought me back in the importance of living this moment rather than living in the make-believe. I’ve been studying yoga for a while now and trying really hard to stay in the present moment. It’s hard but I’ve managed to have periods of time when I’ve felt like I’m actually here and I have nothing to worry about but this moment. Then there are moments like this and I lose myself into my dreams and give them more value than I do for my time now.
What is different now compared to before I started studying yoga, is the fact that I noticed I’ve been living in my thoughts and not in the present moment. I did acknowledge that fact which brought me back into the now and hit me hard. Now I feel like I can look at the situation of getting rejected from a different point of view. I didn’t get in but that doesn’t affect my life right now, it’s not like the school starts today. I cannot possibly know what will happen during the following two months and it might even be that something even better than getting into a university comes to my way and I accept it with open arms. It’s impossible to plan my future as I’m not there yet controlling the way, instead I’m here, in control of this moment that I hold in my hands.
It’s too easy to get caught into the dreams and forget what is actually happening around us. It’s too easy to spend the present moment thinking about the future or even the past and live there rather than make something happen when it matters. But it’s also easy to stop. Just stop and look around, catch the breath and really see what is going on. Acknowledge the present, the now, and decide what can I do now rather than thinking what shall I do then. Decide who I am now, not who shall I be then.
Once again the time of the year when every Finn hopes that the temperature will exceed 15°C but it never really will. Midsummer is supposed to be a celebration of summer but in reality it is mostly spending time at the summer cottage, grilling food outside still wearing coats and pretending it’s not actually cold at all. It’s a bit sad but still a tradition that is repeated yearly because it is, well, a tradition.
Despite all this, I really enjoy spending a little bit of time in the middle of nowhere just sitting by the lake and contemplate things like the water and clouds and how beautiful they are. It is great to just stop and connect with the nature for a while before going back to work where the screens and stress take over.
Happy Midsummer and let’s hope the heat reaches also to this part of the world during this summer…